COLUMN: KOREAN BOYS HAVE NO BLADDER CONTROL

BY L, 

SEOUL ASYLUM CONTRIBUTOR

The night started as many others do. L—our 26-year-old heroine, with an awesome sense of humor and even awesome-er boobs—sets out for the night with her girls to visit the local watering holes, in hopes of maybe finding a cute boy to make out with.

Now L — her name has been shortened to protect her innocence—tends to be what's known as a "Makeout Bandit" when she's had a few too many, and this night was no exception.

Armed with a healthy buzz from a pre-party for the bachelorette party she was with, she entered Molly Malone's not necessarily looking for love…but if she got some kissing in, that was all good.

Enter Billy Bob. 

DICTATOR TO MARK 70th BIRTHDAY WITH SLEEPOVER, DQ BLIZZARD® CAKE

A wasted Kim Jong-Il after celebrating his birthday in 2010.

PYONGYANG—North Korea dictator Kim Jong-Il plans to celebrate his 70th birthday Wednesday with music, dancing—and an 8-inch DQ Blizzard® cake, according to unnamed sources familiar with the facist regime. 

The party is expected to culminate with a scavenger hunt-sleepover for some of Kim's closest BFFs. 

Sources say Hello Kitty-themed Evites were issued last month to at least 200 of the dictator's closest friends—including Chinese President Hu Jintao, Cuban leader Fidel Castro and Justin Bieber.  

"I'll bring the SMOKE if you supply the HOs;)" an exultant Casto wrote on the event's wall, after confirming his attendance.  

Party planners refused to confirm details of the "Dear Leader's" soiree, citing a strong fear of being executed, but one dished on the dictator's big day after being promised anonymity. 

"I don't want to ruin the surprise, but the party bags will definitely include Silly Bandz®!!! We're also going to teach Kim how to Dougie!" the anonymous tipster wrote in an email. "This party's going to be ill! … Get it? Il!?!"

Kim Jong-Il's birthday (Feb. 16) is a national holiday in North Korea and many there say they will observe the event as they do most days: by fasting and staying home from the job they don't have. 

EXPAT FAMILY FEARS WORST WHEN TERRIER GOES MISSING NEAR KOREAN BBQ JOINT

ITAEWON—An American military family remains hopeful—but worried—after their toy-terrier mix, Boozer, disappeared sometime Tuesday near a neighboring Korean barbecue restaurant. 

The 10-pound puppy somehow escaped from the family's first-level terrace, said Brody Jenkins, an American soldier stationed in the Itaewon area of Seoul, South Korea. 

It hasn't been spotted since. 

Signs about the disappearance have been posted all around the neighborhood and the Jenkins family is offering a cash reward for the safe return of the dog.

"Boozer come home, boy! Come home, Boozer," yelled daughter Micah, from the family's front yard. 

Her parents say the girl has been frantic ever since the 15-month old puppy escaped. 

"Micah keeps yelling for Boozer, like he's actually going to come back," her mother Becky said. "She even refills his bowl with fresh water every morning…But let's face it that dog ain't turning up—unless it's in a side dish of gogi guy"

BOTCHED EYELID SURGERY TRANSFORMS KOREAN INTO FOURTH POWERPUFF GIRL

Doctors are trying to determine what went wrong after a routine double-eyelid surgery essentially transformed a 19-year-old Korean woman into an anime-looking cartoon character.

Kim Lee, of Seoul, said she went in Tuesday morning for a two-hour Asian blepharoplasty to reshape the skin around her upper eyelids—and came out looking like the "fourth Powerpuff girl."

"There's Blossom, Buttercup, Bubbles—and now Bibimbap!" she said. "I look like the girl's Asian cousin! It's awful!" 

SCIENTIST CLAIMS SWEATY SOCKS THE SECRET INGREDIENT OF KIMCHI

A U.S. scientists says most kimchi is full of human sweat.

A University of Southern California scientist claims sweat-soaked gym socks are behind the tangy taste of kimchi. The fermented cabbage dish is a staple of Korean cuisine, but an ancient pact has long shrouded in secrecy certain spices and other ingredients.

"Most of the Koreans will tell you that kimchi is simply cabbage soaked in vinegar. But then I heard these rumors the tangy taste might be from cat piss—or something worse—and I became suspicious," said 

SPARROW TWEETS WORDS OF ENCOURAGEMENT TO FELLOW PIRATES

Captain Jack Sparrow

Captain Jack Sparrow offered condolences to the family members of eight Somali pirates after South Korean special forces stormed a hijacked freighter in the Arabian Sea on Friday, rescuing all 21 crew members and killing eight assailants in a rare and bold raid on the pirates.

Sparrow Tweeted: "It's a sad day for pirates everywhere. My heart goes out to their families and loved ones." 

Another Tweet by Sparrow encouraged pirates to "Stand strong as a unified band of bandits."

BREAKING NEWS: KOREAN FIFTH-GRADER RIDICULED FOR 'ㅂ' IN MATH

A Jongno-gu fifth-grader was shamed by his peers, teachers and parents today after earning a 'ㅂ' in his advanced algebra course. 

Jongno-gu fifth graders taunt a classmate at lunch.

A throng of confused Western journalists spent about 45 minutes on Wikipedia before determining the Korean character mostly closely resembles the sound 'B' in the English language. 

It's believed no Asian has ever scored a 'B' in mathematics.

Witnesses told an English translator that classmates taunted the boy at lunch by calling him either "shoe velvet" or "milk fish."

"My Korean isn't really that good, so I'm not sure what they might have said," the translator admitted. "But everyone was pointing and laughing, so I know it wasn't good!"

Follow this breaking story at: http://seoulasylumblog.blogspot.com/

PASSENGER'S FAULTY BRA ERUPTS INTO MID-FLIGHT PANIC

A United Airlines flight traveling from San Francisco to Seoul  landed safely Wednesday after a passenger's Playtex® 18-hour bra apparently expired mid-flight, causing minor discomfort to her—but major irritation to others. 

Nearly 11 hours into the 12-hour flight, the big-bosomed woman—a U.S. national who customs officials refused to identify because it was immediately unclear if she posed a security risk—reportedly alerted attendants that her undergarment had become "itchy." 

"She started scratching her breasts provocatively and it was disturbing to some of the other passengers," one flight attendant said. "I tried to give her pretzels and a ginger ale, but she wouldn't calm down. She took off her cardigan and she was getting visibly excited. At one point, she smacked a bald man in the head with her double-D boobies! We're not really trained for that!"

LESBIAN'S 'RAD UNICORN TEE' TRUMPS VIDEO'S SOLEMN MESSAGE OF ADDICTION

A totally rad unicorn shirt is overshadowing the seriousness of a music video that otherwise attempts to address the drug and alcohol addiction of Korean-American comedian Margaret Cho.

The video, "Intervention," released by Canadian twin pop stars Tegan and Sara, was supposed to be a wake up call for the 42-year-old Cho, who's admittedly struggled with addictions to drugs, alcohol, food and sex most of her life. 

But critics say the video's most redeeming part is a tongue-in-cheek T-shirt, worn by Sara—one half of the indie Canadian pop duo. Many are enamored by her aqua-colored cotton blend, which prominently features the bust of a magical unicorn. The words "MEGAUNICORN" are emblazoned on the bottom of the shirt.  

THE ONION: Kim Jong Il Ends Nuclear Program For Lead In Next 'Batman'

http://www.theonion.com/articles/kim-jong-il-ends-nuclear-program-for-lead-in-next,18702/

NEW BLOG TO POKE FUN AT KOREANS; BE FUNNIER THAN MARGARET CHO

A satirical English-language blog, based in Seoul, South Korea, will aim to bring an American-style sense of humor to the humor-deprived country. The blog—which will poke fun at Koreans on both sides of the divided peninsula—will officially launch next week, according to those familiar with the project.

Margaret Cho

American founder Brent Schanding, who will temporarily relocate to an outlying area of Seoul, said the often humor-less depictions of the Asian nation have created a strong need for such an outlet. 

"Plus, I'll likely have a lot of free time, and I hear there's not really much on Korean TV," he said. "I've seen that Crouching Tiger movie a few times, so I pretty much know everything there is about Korean culture. It should be pretty easy to start this thing, because I already have an email account—and that's really all you need to start blogging."

Schanding said the blog will be called "Seoul Asylum," a not-so obscure reference to the American alternative rock band Soul Asylum, whose 1992 Grammy-award winning hit "Runaway Train" has nothing to do with the culture or people of South Korea.

"But I kind of like the word asylum because it denotes this type of political immunity from extradition that I hope the most offended Koreans will grant me," he said. "Asylum...asy-LUM...ASY-lum. If you say it often, it kind of sounds funny!"

When asked if the satirical blog could inadvertently fuel escalating tensions between the North and South, Schanding appeared miffed. 

"I don't really read newspapers—they're very negative," he said. "Why? Is there something going on over there?"

Schanding hopes his blog will have at least 23 fans—that's one more than Korean-American comedian Margaret Cho can claim, he said. 

The blog can be viewed at:  http://seoulasylumblog.blogspot.com/.