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BY L, SEOUL ASYLUM CONTRIBUTOR |
The night started as many others do. L—our 26-year-old heroine, with an awesome sense of humor and even awesome-er boobs—sets out for the night with her girls to visit the local watering holes, in hopes of maybe finding a cute boy to make out with.
Now L — her name has been shortened to protect her innocence—tends to be what's known as a "Makeout Bandit" when she's had a few too many, and this night was no exception.
Armed with a healthy buzz from a pre-party for the bachelorette party she was with, she entered Molly Malone's not necessarily looking for love…but if she got some kissing in, that was all good.
While minding her own business, our heroine was approached by Elizabethtown, Ky.-born, 50-percent Korean, William Robert. She didn't believe his name was really Billy Bob and asked to see his driver's license, but to no avail.
Like a knight in shining armor, he lead her to the upstairs bar, away from the rest of her friends—who weren't single so they wouldn't understand. Though he said he worked at a Hollister, his outfit left much to be desired: red pants, a yellow shirt and orange hat… but he was cute and bought her a beer and L was drunk and he did tell her she was pretty.
A lot.
Cut to a few minutes later when after asking politely—like Devon Sawa asked Christina Ricci in Now and Then (a childhood favorite of our herione)— Billy Bob moved in for the kiss.
The couple—after exchanging little more information than where they were from, what they did and how old they were—moved to a corner of the bar to continue making out. Somewhere in all this they swapped phone numbers - a key plot point to remember later in our story.
After a while, our heroine needed to take a breather. And a pee—she's really bad at breaking the seal. She left Billy Bob at a table in the corner, confident that the making out would continue once her bladder was emptied.
Little did she know Billy Bob had the same idea, only instead of walking the few feet to the bathroom, he reached for something a little closer - an empty beer bottle sitting on the table.
By the time L returned to the table to resume the make-out session, her prince had been escorted out of the bar by security for whipping his you-know-what out to pee in the beer bottle.
Like Romeo and Juliet before them, the fates it seemed were working together to keep our lovers apart. But wait, they still had each others' numbers!
A week later, the two met up again to continue what they had started at the bar. They attended a party together to say goodbye to one of L's friends who was about to leave for a year in South Korea. What better offering to bring to the party (besides her homemade liquor concoction called a Bullfrog) than a Korean! Maybe he could teach her friend some helpful phrases and also go home with her at the end of the night.
After his performance at the bar, however, L should have known better. As the night progressed and our heroine got drunker and drunker, things with Billy Bob turned from bad to worse. Apparently his proclivity for outdoor peeing was not limited to the upstairs bar at Molly Malone's. Not once, but at least three times, L observed, to her horror, her man peeing on the guest of honor's fence in the back yard.
Later, after puking up the majority of the bullfrog she'd ingested—not to mention that two-sided shot she'd shared with Brent, "eating some sandwiches" and not noticing that Billy Bob had propositioned the guest of honor's boyfriend and herself for a threesome—it was time to go home.
Confident the homeowners probably hated Billy Bob and maybe her by association, our heroine apologized, she thinks, and quickly got herself and Billy Bob into the car to go home.
What happened after that is a bit fuzzy, but our heroine believes she learned that not all Asian stereotypes are true, but regardless, she deleted Billy Bob's number the next day in hopes that maybe someday she'd meet a boy who'd make out with her and not pee on everything in sight.
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